Jean Chrétien and Stéphane Dion, Canada's crack national unity experts, were sent to the UK and Spain to advise those countries on how to deal with their growing separatist threats.
We have obtained the transcripts of their meeting with David Cameron, Prime Minister of the UK.
It should be noted that Chrétien and Dion are the masterminds behind Canada's unity building Clarity Act.1
JC: Hello, Mr Cameron. Don't worry, we're like the Ghostbusters except it's for separatists... Who you ganna call, eh? Haha!
SD: Good one, Boss!
DC: Yes, well... We're glad you're here. We know you passed some groundbreaking legislation, the Clarity Act, in Canada which lays down the ground rules for these separatist bastards so that they cannot cheat their way to independence.
SD: Yes, we redefined the very meaning of word "clarity". I feel we achieved a clearer kind of clarity.
JC: That's right, mon Stéphane. And we put those separatists in their place, eh? I love putting separatists in their place. I consider it the job Canadians hired me to do... So what would you like to know Mr Cameron?
DC: Well, let's start with the "clear question" part of the act. How do you define that?
JC: We don't, of course. That's the idea.
SD: If I may Boss? We feel that any indication in the question of a willingness to negotiate a partnership or to keep mutually beneficial ties or of just being reasonable in general might lead people to believe that they are dealing with rational adults who would negotiate independence in good faith. We feel that this is misleading. We want people to see us as the kind of psycho who threatens to kill his girlfriend if she even thinks of leaving. That's why we threatened to cut Quebec up if it ever leaves.
DC: I see. Well, I think the question in the Scottish referendum is quite clear: "Should Scotland be an independent country?". So I don't think we can do much on that front.
JC: Oh, I don't know. Maybe I think Scotland "should" be an independent country but I don't want it to be independent. How do I vote then? It's not clear... I'm confused!
SD: Exactly! Also, "an independent country" is not very clear. Which independent country? Maybe that country is the UK. Who knows what the voter really intends when he votes YES. You know, people aren't too bright.
JC: Good point, mon p'tit Stéphane... Also, the question doesn't say when. Maybe I think Scotland should be an independent country 200 years from now. Again, how do I vote? I'm confused and I forgot my glasses. I think "Do you really want to destroy the bestest country in the world?" would be a clearer question from the standpoint of clarity, I believe.
DC: I see we called the right people. We hadn't thought of any of this.
JC: Well, we have a lot of experience dealing with the separatists. I remember during the 1980 referendum, I was talking to Claude Ryan, he was the leader of the Quebec Liberal Party at the time. That guy, you know, he was so pompous and aloof. When you were in his the presence, you felt you were in front of a bishop. You felt like you had to get on your knees and kiss his bague2...
|Kiss his what?|
JC: Anyway, what were we talking about?
DC: Maybe we should move on to a "clear majority". I have to admit, I'm not too clear on what you mean here. What do you consider a "clear majority", Mr Chretien?
JC: Oh, I don't know. That's something you establish after the referendum and it's usually 5% more than the result if the YES side wins. But personally, I think 75% is pretty clear if the question is clear. What do you think, Stéphane?
SD: Well, Justin Trudeau recently put the bar at 66%.
JC: Oh, Justin... he's always been weak on the separatists, not like his father. His father knew how to deal with separatists. A couple of kidnappings and you declare martial law, send in the army and start rounding up all the separatists. That's the way you do it.
DC: But didn't one of the hostages die?
JC: Yes, well, Trudeau was making a political point, you see... Look, if you want to make an omelet, you have to crack a few eggs, right? And if your omelet is national unity then you've got to crack a few separatist heads. Am I right, Stéphane?
SD: You're right, Boss! Are you familiar with the Shawinigan Handshake, Mr Cameron?
JC: Anyway, Laporte got a bridge named after him. He's a martyr for national unity now... almost a saint. People hardly even mention his mafia ties nowadays so we did him a big favor by hanging him out to dry like that.
DC: OK, well... Do you have any other advice for us?
SD: Have you compared Scottish nationalists to Nazis yet?
DC: Yes, we had some of our lackeys in the media take care of that.
JC: Good! Pepper spray?
|I ❤ Franco|
SD: Boss, I'm afraid we have to catch our plane to Madrid now.
JC: Oh, look at the time. I'm sorry David but we have to go help the Spaniards. I don't know why they need us when they had the great Generalissimo Franco. He was the master of national unity.
DC: Well, thank you both for your help. I think we now have a clearer understanding of what referendum clarity is thanks to you gentlemen...
1- Why the Clarity Act is anti-democratic
2- NB: bague is the French word for ring, pronounced like "bag"... (This is an actual Chrétien quote)